Today I watched the boys playing and realised how much they have changed over the past 3 years.
Sam was a very shy 5 year old who was unable to speak to anyone besides family and now he is confident enough to speak on stage at school. Now we can't stop him talking and his ideas about life astound us for their profound wisdom.
Callym was a little 3 year old toddler who wouldn't leave my leg and was still revealing his personality to us. Now he is a loving, strong character whose quick, dry sense of humour brings me to tears! His personality is like a treasure box from which he gives you something new each day.
It has been a hard 3 years and in some ways it feels that we haven't achieved as much as we had thought we would. But I think it has been a massive time of personal growth for us, almost like a weeding out of things like negative thinking patterns, ideas, issues etc. It's been painful but I believe necessary. Struggling financially has been exhausting and in many ways we have been stripped down to basics - physically and emotionally. Spiritually too for me. There have been times when I have felt so close to God, times when I have literally been on my knees in desperation and other times when I have sat alone in an empty church and ranted at God. I always end up back in the same place - that I can't live my life without a relationship with Him and that relationship has to be genuine otherwise it's just a waste of time. And it involves trust, that He does have our lives in the palm of His hand and that He does love and accept me, as deurmekaar as I can be!
There are days when I wonder what the struggle is for, but there are more days when the boys will suddenly stop what they are doing and come to me and give me a hug "just cos I love you" or I look into Mark's eyes and marvel at his unconditional love for me and all the other difficulties seem so superficial and insignificant.
So here's to the next three years and beyond. I think my greatest wish would be to always live in the moment, not miss those little things each day that are really what's important. x
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