If you asked me...I would tell you I love to play Nina Simone really loud when I am home alone and sing along with her.
If you asked me...I would tell you that I still get butterflies in my stomach when I see Mark's name on caller ID on my cell phone.
If you asked me...I would tell you that moving to a new country and starting over again is hard.
If you asked me...I would tell you that so many people misjudge me.
If you asked me...I would tell you that I go into the boys' room at night to watch them sleep and smell their skin and sometimes it makes me cry that time is going so quickly.
If you asked me...I would tell you that my one regret in life was not to stay one more night in Edinburgh with Mark to see Tony Bennett and Diana Krall live in the park below Edinburgh castle in Summer 2000.
If you asked me...I would tell you that I am trying so hard to let the soundtrack in my head be more kind and encouraging to myself.
If you asked me...I would tell you that my ultimate dream would be to be a great actress.
If you asked me...I would tell you that I believe that God has been watching over me all my life and always will.
If you asked me...I would tell you that life is messy sometimes.
If you asked me...I would tell you that I am the luckiest woman in the world to have these two amazing little men call me "Mom".
If you asked me...I would tell you that I so badly want to be who I really am and try to be that person completely.
If you asked me...I would tell you that my favourite drink is Savannah.
If you asked me... I would tell you that the people who care don't matter and the people who matter don't care.
If you ask me...I would tell you I am so grateful.
Thursday 26 January 2012
Thursday 12 January 2012
Ideas
Yes, yes, I know...for months and months I have been thinking of different ideas that allow me to be creative and hopefully allow me to earn a little money. Lots of ideas. (And thank you for your patience when you saw my email address and "what do you think?" in your inbox! Some worked, some not so much! Some seem crazy but if it involves doing something that I love I will explore it.
Since I was a child I have loved making collages out of magazine cuttings, and I still do! One day while doing this with the boys I got the phrase "use your words" in my head - what I normally tell the boys when they start crying or whining in anger or frustration! I had the idea to make a really big collage out of words cut out of magazines that were meaningful to me. It would be fun and it could cover a very big blank space on my kitchen wall that needed some art. I did make it and loved doing it. I had it scanned and then printed onto a large canvas and this is the result...
Yes, I know some of the words went skew!! I am going to experiment with making some using black and white words, some small canvases and maybe using the words to make a silhouette or shape.
Also been thinking about using shweshwe fabric (and these more modern ones) to make things out of, like a wrap around skirt perhaps. And then today I saw this in Ideas magazine:
See the shweshwe in the skirt? Hmmm...
x
Since I was a child I have loved making collages out of magazine cuttings, and I still do! One day while doing this with the boys I got the phrase "use your words" in my head - what I normally tell the boys when they start crying or whining in anger or frustration! I had the idea to make a really big collage out of words cut out of magazines that were meaningful to me. It would be fun and it could cover a very big blank space on my kitchen wall that needed some art. I did make it and loved doing it. I had it scanned and then printed onto a large canvas and this is the result...
Yes, I know some of the words went skew!! I am going to experiment with making some using black and white words, some small canvases and maybe using the words to make a silhouette or shape.
Also been thinking about using shweshwe fabric (and these more modern ones) to make things out of, like a wrap around skirt perhaps. And then today I saw this in Ideas magazine:
See the shweshwe in the skirt? Hmmm...
x
Friday 6 January 2012
3 years today
Three years ago today we received our permanent residence permits in NZ. It feels like a lifetime ago in so many ways.
Today I watched the boys playing and realised how much they have changed over the past 3 years.
Sam was a very shy 5 year old who was unable to speak to anyone besides family and now he is confident enough to speak on stage at school. Now we can't stop him talking and his ideas about life astound us for their profound wisdom.
Callym was a little 3 year old toddler who wouldn't leave my leg and was still revealing his personality to us. Now he is a loving, strong character whose quick, dry sense of humour brings me to tears! His personality is like a treasure box from which he gives you something new each day.
It has been a hard 3 years and in some ways it feels that we haven't achieved as much as we had thought we would. But I think it has been a massive time of personal growth for us, almost like a weeding out of things like negative thinking patterns, ideas, issues etc. It's been painful but I believe necessary. Struggling financially has been exhausting and in many ways we have been stripped down to basics - physically and emotionally. Spiritually too for me. There have been times when I have felt so close to God, times when I have literally been on my knees in desperation and other times when I have sat alone in an empty church and ranted at God. I always end up back in the same place - that I can't live my life without a relationship with Him and that relationship has to be genuine otherwise it's just a waste of time. And it involves trust, that He does have our lives in the palm of His hand and that He does love and accept me, as deurmekaar as I can be!
There are days when I wonder what the struggle is for, but there are more days when the boys will suddenly stop what they are doing and come to me and give me a hug "just cos I love you" or I look into Mark's eyes and marvel at his unconditional love for me and all the other difficulties seem so superficial and insignificant.
So here's to the next three years and beyond. I think my greatest wish would be to always live in the moment, not miss those little things each day that are really what's important. x
Today I watched the boys playing and realised how much they have changed over the past 3 years.
Sam was a very shy 5 year old who was unable to speak to anyone besides family and now he is confident enough to speak on stage at school. Now we can't stop him talking and his ideas about life astound us for their profound wisdom.
Callym was a little 3 year old toddler who wouldn't leave my leg and was still revealing his personality to us. Now he is a loving, strong character whose quick, dry sense of humour brings me to tears! His personality is like a treasure box from which he gives you something new each day.
It has been a hard 3 years and in some ways it feels that we haven't achieved as much as we had thought we would. But I think it has been a massive time of personal growth for us, almost like a weeding out of things like negative thinking patterns, ideas, issues etc. It's been painful but I believe necessary. Struggling financially has been exhausting and in many ways we have been stripped down to basics - physically and emotionally. Spiritually too for me. There have been times when I have felt so close to God, times when I have literally been on my knees in desperation and other times when I have sat alone in an empty church and ranted at God. I always end up back in the same place - that I can't live my life without a relationship with Him and that relationship has to be genuine otherwise it's just a waste of time. And it involves trust, that He does have our lives in the palm of His hand and that He does love and accept me, as deurmekaar as I can be!
There are days when I wonder what the struggle is for, but there are more days when the boys will suddenly stop what they are doing and come to me and give me a hug "just cos I love you" or I look into Mark's eyes and marvel at his unconditional love for me and all the other difficulties seem so superficial and insignificant.
So here's to the next three years and beyond. I think my greatest wish would be to always live in the moment, not miss those little things each day that are really what's important. x
Monday 2 January 2012
Living intentionally
This afternoon we went for a ride around Pukekohe, after all the rain we made the most of some summer sunshine at last! The boys took turns to "be in charge", to decide the route. It was lovely watching them be the leader, heady with the control!
I love the whirringclicking sound of my wheels as they spin and it made me think of another blog I read today about living intentionally. I have been thinking about that word "intentional" a lot and think it might be my word for 2012. In life, like riding a bike, you have to actually pedal to move forward and yes, it is hard work but there is a power in it too, feeling your muscles burn and then the freedom when you get to freewheel down hill with the wind on your face.
My grandfather always used to say "A car is easier to steer when the wheels are moving". He was a wise man. I guess that's the same principle. And I think that God helps us along our path when we are making an effort to move forward too, you can't steer a parked car.
Yes, I think that's my word for 2012. Intention. x
I love the whirringclicking sound of my wheels as they spin and it made me think of another blog I read today about living intentionally. I have been thinking about that word "intentional" a lot and think it might be my word for 2012. In life, like riding a bike, you have to actually pedal to move forward and yes, it is hard work but there is a power in it too, feeling your muscles burn and then the freedom when you get to freewheel down hill with the wind on your face.
My grandfather always used to say "A car is easier to steer when the wheels are moving". He was a wise man. I guess that's the same principle. And I think that God helps us along our path when we are making an effort to move forward too, you can't steer a parked car.
Sunday 10 July 2011
Coming out the cocoon
Once upon a time there was a caterpillar. All day long this caterpillar munched on the crispy, dark green leaves of the hydrangea bush watching the bees buzz around the deep lilac-blue petals. How she wished she was a bee, to have such purpose in life! The caterpillar became paralysed by her longing, wishing for the busy life of the bee which she knew she was not destined to have. She spun a rough cocoon around herself, hid from the world in her shame and fell into a dreamless sleep.
One morning a dragonfly landed on the ragged cocoon. The jolt awoke her and she felt a compulsion to break through the scratchy shell. She emerged into the warm sunlight and stretched. To her amazement a beautiful pair of wings unfolded behind her. She flapped them in amazement - were they hers? She had seen butterflies before with their beautiful, ethereal wings and admired from below their sense of peace and freedom. All this time she had wanted to be a bee without realising that she was in fact a butterfly. She didn't have to DO anything other than BE who she really was. She smiled to herself and felt an unfamiliar joy as she spread her wings and jumped off the leaf into a passing warm current of air.
One morning a dragonfly landed on the ragged cocoon. The jolt awoke her and she felt a compulsion to break through the scratchy shell. She emerged into the warm sunlight and stretched. To her amazement a beautiful pair of wings unfolded behind her. She flapped them in amazement - were they hers? She had seen butterflies before with their beautiful, ethereal wings and admired from below their sense of peace and freedom. All this time she had wanted to be a bee without realising that she was in fact a butterfly. She didn't have to DO anything other than BE who she really was. She smiled to herself and felt an unfamiliar joy as she spread her wings and jumped off the leaf into a passing warm current of air.
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